Guilty Winner

Most days I feel guilty for having it so good.

Some nights when I'm having trouble sleeping I lie in bed and compose future blog topics. I always come back to “Lottery Winner” because that’s how I feel nearly all the time.

Yes, I have bad days. Really bad days. Some days that are too dark to explain and jumping off a building seems to be a good fix. But they are rare. So rare that I feel guilty for being so thankful. So rare that I don’t want to share with the other Stepford moms just how good I have it.

So rare that I keep it a secret.

But it’s true. Everyday I feel like I’ve won the flippin’ lottery.

I have two robust and healthy not-so-much-babies-anymore kiddos that are funny and smart and engaged and active and a wee bit precocious. A husband who’s loved me for 18 years. (Even when earlier on I tried to push him away and most certainly didn’t deserve his attention or admiration.) I live in a beautiful house with lots of space and light and green and creative stuff all around. I live a stone’s throw from a big city that has a world-class symphony, cutting edge art museum, ginormous aquarium, great, interesting food and loads of diversity coming out its ears. I live near the busiest airport in the world. I can drive 15 minutes and go anywhere on the planet. Did I mention my kids?!?!?

Maybe I feel guilty because I have it so good.

Is everything perfect? No.

I deeply long to be back in CA. My gills are drying up. I ache to be near family-friends and to raise my kids with theirs. I mourn the time I am missing with my Alzheimer-riddled grandmother.

But I have it so good. I always come back to how good I have it.

I can long and ache for a different geographic location but nothing will take away from the lottery winnings I enjoy now.