Reason #443 that (according to the experts) I’m a bad parent:
I don’t have a lot of one-on-one time with S & J.
I try my darndest but with twins it’s extra hard. And my lack of time management or priorities or problem-solving or whatever stops me up and I’m lucky if I have 30 minutes a week of “just you” time with each kid.
Experts say that spending time one-on-one with twins will foster a sense of true identity (for the kid, not me) and insure that they know that they “matter.” That they’re just not one of a pair, but an individual. Experts say this is VITAL. And some suggest putting one of your twins in day care just so you can find time to spend one-on-one with the other twin.
Huh.
Really? Is so important that you should pay to send one of your children away?
Here’s the thing: I hang out with my kids all day and like to think that I know them pretty well. Aside from the few hours a week that I have a mommy’s helper so I can hit deadlines and have a conference call or two I’m full-on hands-on. 12 hours a day. And I don't believe that they’re suffering. Or less individualistic. In fact, they couldn’t be more different.
S is sweet and cautious. He is content to play alone or in a group. In playgroup settings he’ll watch the action at first and engage when others ask him to play. He’s not the instigator. He learned the ABC song in less than a week and loves all things having to do with construction and building. (“What do you want to be for Halloween?” “AN EXCAVATOR!”) We affectionately call him Funky Buns, Belly Boy and Sammo.
J is bold – she loves noise and color and action and people. She always has. She needs about .2 seconds of warm-up time with a new person than she’s crawling up in their lap, reading stories, engaging them in play… She is vocal and loud and full of sparkly, good energy. Her nicknames have included Aggro-Pixie and Little Lady Ka-Boom!
Sure. Spending one-on-one time with a parent is much more that creating a truer sense of self. It let’s them have undivided attention, which is a real gift, especially if you are clambering for the attention of a busy parent.
But us twin parent folks shouldn’t beat ourselves up if the one-on-one time is limited. Our children only suffer if we don’t love them or if we treat them like they aren't loved. I don’t know one single parent of multiples that doesn't absolutely smother their kids with love and affection. And attention. Even if that only happens when the kiddos are together.
The net-net is that all parents do the best they can with the tools that they have. I think it's a massive gift - for both parents and children - to have a two-fer situation.
4 comments :
I think the suggestion of sending one twin to day care so you can have 1 on 1 with the other is very strange. Maybe when they are a little older, you could send one off to a playdate with a same-sex buddy while you have 1 on 1 with the other. That seems a little more special to both than saying, "hey, you have to go to day care so I can have special time with your brother."
Nearly 5 years into the twin parenting thing-- I agree with the experts.... but also that it's often hard to carve out the time.
So, there's "sick" days-- one goes to school while the other is sick with a parent. Usually the sick child becomes an ANGEL since they're just so happy to be with mommy or daddy ALL DAY. Obviously this is not ideal, but sadly it works.
The other option we often do is weekend errands- divide and conquer usually with something fun thrown in (a trip to the library, coffee shop, park) with just one grown up and one kid.
What we NEVER really do is one kid, two parents. No idea how that would even work at this point in the game.
We often see the ill effects of parenting them as a "team" at bedtime when one of them realizes that perhaps they could use a little 1:1.... and starts acting out or getting out of bed and coming downstairs with RANDOM requests (Sydney is the master of this). Basically, she wants about 15 minutues to chat and cuddle, with no Sissy around...and then she's content.
They've been in separate classes since they were 3.5 and that's been wonderful in terms of fostering individual friendships, relationships, etc. They are seen as true individuals and it's awesome.
Thanks Lauren! I love hearing about other twin mom experiences. I struggle with this...
Uh...so are any of these "experts" parents of multiples? Probably not.
I'm going to respectfully disagree. I think individual time is important, but I don't get why people automatically think that parents of multiples spend less individual time with their children than parents of more than one singleton. I think ALL parents, those of multiple birth children and those of 2 or more singletons struggle with this. I don't think it's any more important in either situation.
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